Secret Feeling

It's been a very long time since the last time I wrote, maybe because I'm too busy, or too afraid to write.

Most of people have some secret feeling, some people said it is insting, some people said it is the voice of God or universe. Whatever it is, I have it so often, but I prever not to hear it.

Why I avoid it? Because it is truly sucks, if you know what I mean. I knew when I did not passed the important test, I knew when all my effort is just a waste of time, I knew when a friend still couldn't move on with his feeling, I knew when one of my family member will die soon, even I knew if my brother couldn't escape from the death. I hate when I feel something or knew something, but no one will understand it. They just thought that I have a negative mind, always said to keep positive, and even feel that I don't trust them. I started believe what they said, maybe it was just on my mind. I even did something really bad to convinced myself that it was just my negative thought,  but it always right. I don't wanna be rude, but thanks, I know exactly the differences beetwen both of it. And ofcourse it is not about trust issue.

Often, I became suddenly so sad for what I feel, and ofcourse I couldn't explain it, because it is too hard, too hurt and too risky to say. I only can stay positive, stay believe, but I am struggle in something that currently only God knows.

I have a really big dream, that one day, people will respect and genuinely care of each other, living in trust, love, and honest. We will always judge other people in a positive side.

So one day, people like me will be free. Life would be more simple, I can see many positive people, who express their love in a beautiful way, like in movies or in korean drama without fear of rejection, because they know they will be highly appreciate and have a true answer.

I have a dream, that you and me, also universe will live in a peaceful world.

Love,

nurieen

Morning Blue

"I wanna go home."

"Why? You're not finish yet."

"I think I failed. I do not want to do this anymore."

"You know it's a lie."

"The thing is, I can't control my anger, my sadness, and that's really hurt."

"So?"

"I give up."

"Listen, I told you many times that you are stronger than you think, just one more step, then you will be free. Let all things go, do what you can do, leave when you need to leave. You're my favorite, and I love you so much."

"Thanks. I Love You, too. But, what about my anger, my sadness?"

"Let your anger or sadness fill you until it satisfied, then let it go. "

"I need much energy to do that."

"I will give you, all you have to do is just relax, and accept Me."

- The Light -

" I still can feel your light even in the darkest night. Keep shining, I need you, and you can always back to your home." - NN

29 October 2013

Thanks,

Nurieen

God in the Rain

When I walk under the rain, see the clear sky, hear the sound of the wind, smell the ground, enjoy the moment. Then, I feel Him.

I found God in the simplest thing.

Love,

Nurieen

The Climb

Well, I really love this song, especially the lyrics. I thought I will share with you, guys:

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking
 Every move I make feels
 Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
 It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
 Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Taking a Risk, Again.

"every single moment in life is a pivotal moment. Every day has a moment where you can change everything-the problem is that we are scared to recognise this moment… my favourite point in this interview… a great message to the people who deny or forget to recognise these moments just because they feel a fear of taking risks." -Paulo Coelho-

It's rainny outside, I can't go home, so I think I can write something.

Hfffhhh... That's the only word that can describe myself right now, but, in a good way ofcourse. You can't imagine how thankful I am, everything is back to normal. Peaceful comes most of the times, I can think clear now, everything just perfectly amazing.

I've been through very, very difficult time, since I decide to follow my heart. And also the last 2 years is like hell to me. You have no idea about it. I was jealous when people can tell their problem to someone they trust, without any judgement or anger from them. I was jealous they have such a people like that. Or I am jealous to someone who can tell all their problems to others. Cos' life is too hard when there are no one there to lift you up when you're down.

I know God and universe already test me, my instincts guide me to out of my comfort zone, so I can be evolved. And, they did that in the most cruled way. All bad things comes in one period times, all by myself, literally. But, when I am dying, just a few second from death, His hand pulled me up, with all His sign, with all His light. I started understand many things, become tolerant, become a better one.

I just wanna say that, I've been through what human being need to become a better person. I understand many things, many feelings, and appreciate life. Just keep trying and keep positive. I'm still in recovery, but when all done, I will take another risk to follow my heart.

Here a little advise, always listen to your heart, follow it. That's the God's last way to communicate with us. No matter how hard will be, just remember, that is what you need. And, the most important thing, find someone that can listen all your problems, lift you up, make you comfortable. That person is so near with you, have faith on him. Life will be more easier. Trust me.

Good luck, guys!

Love,

nurieen

- Kosong -

Yup, sudah cukup lama ga nengok dan nulis di sini. Mumpung didukung dengan suasana senja sendu mau hujan, jadi teringat akan cerita miris seorang laki-laki dengan segala kegundahannya (caelaaah...), gw akan share cerita itu di sini.

Hmmm, mulai dari mana, yah? Aga lupa, hehehe... Dari cerita karakternya dulu deh.

Cowo ini, katakanlah namanya si Raihan (berasa cerita kriminal ga, sih? hahahaha)... Ok2, namanya dia Raihan, anak baik, polos dan hidupnya cenderung lempeng. Hidup buatnya adalah misteri yang harus tetap dijalani dengan bahagia dan membahagiakan orang lain. Hingga satu saat dia mengenal yang namanya cinta. (yup, kegundahan memang berasal dari cinta... :p). Dia akhirnya memutuskan pacaran, dengan segala pertimbangan yang ada, karena dia ini orangnya sangat logic, mungkin karna itu dia lempeng hidupnya. Singkat cerita, hubungannya itu sebenarnya cukup stabil, dibandingkan dengan hubungan pasangan lain, yah, tau lah, pasangan-pasangan yg suka berantem teriak-teriakan, putus nyambung, dsb. Masalah yang ada dan cukup mengganggu adalah ketidakyakinan dari masing-masing. Raihan punya kecenderungan susah percaya dengan orang lain, begitu pula pacarnya, Anastasia, yang sering disakiti dan dikecewakan. Komunikasi juga terkadang susah disatukan, karena masing-masing sensitif, mudah merasa terintimidasi dan tertantang, padahal belum tentu maksudnya begitu. Tapi, satu hal yang membuat mereka bertahan, mereka sangat menyayangi satu sama lain, cobaan demi cobaan dapat mereka lalui.

Hingga suatu saat, cobaan yang sangat besar datang pada mereka. Anastasia menemukan seseorang yang menurutnya adalah belahan jiwanya, seperti Santiago saat bertemu Fatimah dikisah Al-Chemistnya Paulo Coelho, true love through the eyes. Kira-kira begitulah. Tapi, Anastasia adalah orang baik, dia memendam perasaan tersebut, mengingat dia tidak mau menyakiti Raihan.

Sementara Raihan, yang mempunyai perasaan aneh, mulai bertingkah aneh pula. Tingkah Raihan sangat menyebalkan dan membuat Anastasia gerah, sampai akhirnya Anastasia kesal dan dia mulai nekat mengejar pria idamannya itu.

Anastasia, merasa hidupnya sangat indah. Dia dan pria idamannya itu sangat cocok, dia merasa akhirnya ada seseorang yang sangat mengerti dirinya. Mereka berdua seolah punya dunia sendiri, istilah-istilah yang hanya mereka ketahui, mereka sepertinya ditakdirkan untuk bersatu.

Sementara Raihan, perasaannya berganti dari aneh menjadi sedih berkepanjangan, sering mimpi buruk, susah tidur, apalagi setelah dia melihat Anastasia smsan dengan pria idamannya itu, yang diakuinya itu bukan apa-apa, serta sikap Anastasia yang menjadi mudah sekali marah kepadanya. Raihan hanya bisa diam dan menunggu, hatinya remuk dengan perlahan-lahan.

Anastasia sebenarnya juga cukup tersiksa, dia merasa bersalah karena telah menyakiti Raihan. Dia sangat dilema, dia ingin sekali bersama dengan pria idamannya itu, tetapi dia tidak mau meninggalkan Raihan, karena dia sangat menyayanginya.

Hingga akhirnya, mungkin karena waktu dan perhatian yang diberikan Anastasia kurang terhadap pria idamannya itu, maka pria itu perlahan mundur. Anastasia sedih dan hancur. Untuk kesekian kalinya dia ditinggalkan. Dia sayang dengan pria itu. Susah sekali dirinya untuk menerima kenyataan dan melanjutkan hidup.

Raihan, tidak tau kenapa Anastasia berubah drastis, dari yang bahagia dan suka marah-marah, menjadi sedih dan terpuruk. Anastasia menjadi sangat manja, minta terus ditemani dan dipeluk. Raihan, menjadi bertambah sedih, karena mengira bahwa gara-gara dia, maka pacarnya itu seterpuruk ini. Gara-gara dia tak mau mengikhlaskan, maka pacarnya menjadi semenderita ini. Raihan menjadi "mati", hatinya yang tadinya retak, menjadi pecah berkeping-keping. Dia berdoa semoga penderitaannya cepat berakhir, walaupun harus merelakan pacarnya pergi dengan orang lain, asalkan dia tau, bahwa keputusan itu akan membuat Anastasia kembali bahagia.

Keadaan mulai membaik, Anastasia mulai pulih, perasaannya mulai bahagia kembali, walaupun, di lubuk hatinya yg paling dalam, masih ada harapan kecil untuk bersama dengan pria idamannya itu. Tapi Anastasia sangat bersyukur, Raihan masih ada disampingnya.

Raihan, yang sudah rusak dan "mati", sangat bersyukur dengan kembalinya Anastasia. Tapi, dia sudah "mati", dia tidak bisa merasakan apa-apa lagi, atau kah memilih untuk tidak merasa lagi? karena dia takut, semua yang telah terjadi padanya, akan dia rasakan kembali. Yang dia tau, dia sangat menyayangi Anastasia dan nyaman di dekatnya. Dia hanya bisa berpura-pura bahagia, bercanda tawa, menjalani hidupnya lagi, meneruskan yang menurut dia tujuan hidupnya, membuat orang-orang sekitarnya bahagia.

Sementara, semua yang dia rasakan tetap kosong. Semuanya sudah terlanjur dia lepaskan.

Mungkinkah Raihan akan merasa kembali? Mungkinkah dia berani dan percaya untuk bisa merasa kembali?

Only God Knows.

Sekian cerita senja sore ini. Cerita tentang manusia yang sampai saat ini masih belum bisa ku mengerti, area abu-abu yang membuat Raihan diam saja, walaupun dia sangat tersakiti. Anastasia yang tau apa yang dia lakukan dapat membuat hancur orang yang sangat dia sayangi, tetapi tetap dia lakukan.

Well, sampai di sini dulu cerita-ceritanya, sudah waktunya pulang kantor... :p Good luck with your life, guys! ^_^

Love,

Nurieen

- The Sun -

The sun disappear so quickly

The moon rises so brightly

The hope is gone slowly

The rain comes so often, just because the sun let it happen

The sun busy with a question that it can't ask

It busy for holding it, Hoping that someday, it doesn't need to be asked anymore

Meanwhile, the wind become so cold

Plants and Trees are dewy

They all together sing a bitter song

Love,

nurieen

Pada Suatu Pagi Hari

Maka pada suatu pagi hari ia ingin sekali menangis sambil berjalan tunduk sepanjang lorong itu.
Ia ingin pagi itu hujan turun rintik-rintik dan lorong sepi agar ia bisa berjalan sendiri saja sambil menangis dan tak ada orang bertanya kenapa.

Ia tidak ingin menjerit-jerit berteriak-teriak mengamuk memecahkan cermin membakar tempat tidur.
Ia hanya ingin menangis lirih saja sambil berjalan sendiri dalam hujan rintik rintik di lorong sepi pada suatu pagi.

 - Sapardi Djoko Damono -

- Letter To God -

Dear God,

I know I can tell you directly, but, as you know, it's more easy for me to write it then say it. Well, you know what I mean.

I'm so far from you, don't listen to what you trying to say, get angry with many things, do not involved you in many decision I made, become a hater, weak, life too sucks for me in last couple months or a year already, I think.

Do you still remember? When we talking all day, together seeing the sky, rain, trees, singing with them and admire for how beautiful they are. We both laughing at many grown ups, for what they do with their life. I always asked you many questions about them, about why they hurting each other, why they always get mad, but, you said I will know the answer one day.

Now, I become one of them. I get mad easily, cry easily, selfish, and so hard to breathe. I know the answer now. You told me to take care of this universe. Look what I've done, I broke it.

God, am I doing my life wrong? I made so many mistakes, hurt so many people, sometimes, I feel that I'm not useful for anyone, just breaking them, just nothing.

God, I'm tired. My heart already cracked, and it so hurt.

God, I know I haven't made my mind yet, I just wanna live as natural as I can. I just wanna see happiness in everything I meet. Or should I let all things go? So, I can be free. Universe will be free. No one else will get hurt. I will no longer be a barrier to someone happiness.

I miss the time when you hold me, wipe my tears, and tell me everything gonna be alright.

I just miss you.

I really miss you.

Love,

nurieen

-Silent-

In the massive silent, I heard a clear and gentle voice, "When will you come back?"

I Wishpered, "Not now, I must finish what I was started."

If I Die Tommorow, What Will I Do Today?

I will sad and stress all day long
I'll keep my loved one beside me to keep me strong
Or I'll just locked myself in my room with my favorite song

I'll travel to many beautiful places
Eat many delicious dishes
Or just doing nothing, laying on my bed, thinking about many beautiful memories

Or maybe I will crying out loud, express the pain that I feel, keep crying, and crying insanly, cos' I have hold it for a long time, more than a year...

But I will do my best to get closer to my dream
Make everyone around me happy
Forgive everything and everyone who hurt me, forgive myself
Realese my sadness, keep smiling and be happy
So you will remember me as a happy human being

So I can leave this world without any regrets, revenge, even sadness

Cos' I just love you guys, I always do.

Love,

Nurieen

Much in the window… nothing in the room.

We have bigger houses but smaller families,

more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees, but less sense

more knowledge, but less judgement

more experts, but more problems

more medicines, but less healthiness.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back

but have trouble crossing the street to meet the neighbor.

We built more computers to hold more information

to produce more copies than ever…

but have less communication.

We have become long on quantity but short on quality.

These are fast times of fast foods but slow digestion.

Tall man but short character.

Steep profits but shallow relationships.

It is a time where there is much in the window

but nothing in the room. 

- The 14th Dalai Lama-

20.12.2012

Hari ini umurku 25 tahun, hari yang sempurna. Terima kasih Allah... ^_^

Love,

Nurieen

- How blessed I'am -

Dear Allah,

You are work in a misterious way. Thanks for tonight. You give me the best present I ever wanted.


Dear Universe,

I had made mistakes, I regret it. Please, be nice to me.


Dear all people that love me,

I have many problems, so do all people in this world. But, when you look at me, wishing happiness in my eyes, all of it becomes so small. Thank you for being here, beside me. I'm so blessed.

Good night, thanks for everything... ^_^

Love,

Nurieen

Dear Allah...

Dear Allah,

Selamat pagi!!! Terima kasih... ^_^

Love,

Nurieen

- Sore yang Indah -

Mungkin kalian sudah bosan mendengarnya, tapi yah, aku belum mengerti kehidupan ini. Tapi aku mengaggumi banyak hal. Beberapa diantaranya:

Gradasi sinar matahari pagi hari, indah sekali.
Suara angin yang merdu
Benda-benda sekelilingmu yang selalu tersenyum jujur, menemanimu, menguatkanmu
Tawa maupun tangisan bayi
Sorot mata orang tua yang memandang anaknya
Sorot mata seseorang yang jatuh cinta dan tulus setia saat memandang kekasihnya itu

Ah, enak sekali kalau setiap hari aku bisa melihat itu semua. Tanpa menyaksikan amarah, kebencian, kebohongan, egois. Aku rindu sekali kedamaian.

Tapi, ini adalah kehidupan. Sampai titik ini, aku bangga dengan diriku sendiri. Aku ga menyangka bisa bertahan di dunia yang sudah gila ini! LOL

Kuncinya cuma satu. Temukan semangatmu. Semangatku masih ada disekitarku, selama mereka ada, aku akan tetap ada di dunia ini.

Be Peaceful,
Nurieen

Budaya, Membentuk atau Menguburkan Jati Diri?

Pertanyaan yang saat ini belum bisa aku jawab.

Contohnya, dulu, aku adalah anak yang super sensitif. Aku bisa merasakan segala hal, ya, segalanya. Dalam segi positif, aku bisa merasakan semua di alam semesta ini hidup, aku bisa berempati sekalipun dengan kucing jalanan yang sedang kehujanan di luar, seakan-akan aku bisa bicara dengannya. Bahkan, aku tidak tau ini positif atau negatif, tapi aku bisa merasakan kecemburuan dan kesedihan bantalku yang tergeletak di bangku seberang tempat tidur, kepada bantalku yang lain yang sedang aku gunakan. Detik itu juga aku mengambilnya, memeluknya, meminta maaf. Dalam segi negatif, aku akan sangat teramat kesal dan marah, jika sesuatu tidak sesuai dengan sistem seharusnya. Misalnya, perjanjiannya adalah aku mandi duluan daripada kakakku, tetapi dia berubah pikiran dan memilih mandi duluan. Biasanya aku akan sangat menggila, saat2 inilah keluargaku menyebutku dengan sebutan "error". Tapi dengan sikap keluargaku yang menganggapku aneh, dan dengan ayahku yang sangat tidak suka dengan anak yang cengeng, tidak sesuai dengan budaya keluarga ini yang kuat, maka aku menggadaikannya pelan-pelan. Aku beradaptasi. Aku menggadaikannya sampai hampir habis, sampai terlalu cuek dan tidak berperasaan. Tapi toh itu adalah karakterku, dan karakter tidak bisa dibunuh. Serapih apapun aku menyembunyikannya, terkadang itu tetap keluar. Aku hanya bisa menguburnya.

Seperti halnya anak laki-laki yang pantang menangis walaupun mereka ingin sekali menangis, anak-anak Indonesia yang takut mengungkapkan pendapat karena selalu dianggap sok tau, anak-anak pemimpi yang meninggalkan mimpinya karena berbenturan dengan realitas dunia.

Sampai suatu titik, jiwa mereka berontak. Bagus kalau mereka sadar dan kembali ke jati diri mereka yang seharusnya. Tidak perlu berubah atau menguburnya, tapi hanya perlu mengontrolnya, tau menempatkan diri. Lain halnya dengan mereka yang menjadi sangat pahit, labil, tidak tenang sepanjang hidupnya. Mereka terjebak dalam pertempuran antara dirinya dan budaya sekitar. Bahkan sampai balas dendam atau bunuh diri, setidaknya ingin segera hidupnya berakhir.

 Berapa banyak manusia yang sadar dan tau cara menyeimbangkan dan mengontrolnya?

Berapa banyak manusia yang menjadi pahit dan pendendam?

Apakah kebebasan itu sebenarnya memang tidak ada?

Haruskah budaya itu ada?

Haruskah setiap orang mengalami proses tersebut?

Mungkinkah, budaya tetap ada, tetapi orang sekitar mendukung dan mengajari bagaimana harus mengontrolnya, sehingga tidak perlu melalui proses panjang sampai mencapai titik itu?

Love,
nurieen

- Home -

Someone told me, more or less "If you already have a home, but you are want to buy another home so bad, then go for it. You'll never want to buy another home if you comfort enough with your old home."

Everyone has their own home, whether you choose it by yourself or inheritance from your parents. When you decide to buy a home, you think it carefully, consider many options, until you finally sure it makes you comfortable, buy it and very happy for having it.

But time goes on. Everything is not what you expected. You started to change it to make you feel comfortable. You can repainted, change its windows, its doors, but you can't do anything with its shape and  space. Then, you started to look another one. At first, you looking for a holiday. Spend some night in a perfect hotel or cottage, travel around the world, but, you realize that you miss your home and come back. Unfortunately, you back to your home with its problem. Now, you started to look another home, more big, more beautiful, more in everything. When you find one, you make every effort to buy it. You dream it every day. You work hard to gain some money and you come home late, you don't realize that your current home is actually begin leaking, brittle because termites and rusty. 


Meanwhile, the home itself is very happy to do everything to make you feel comfortable, even when it must feels suffered enough in the process of mounting spikes to attach your favorite painting, or dismantling to replace a new window and door. It also feels so greatful when you fix its broken ceilling. But one thing that it can't give is just more space, and another location that maybe close enough with your current office. 


When finally you can afford a new home, you leave your old one. Lucky, if it sold quickly and find a new occupant, but if it is not, it will wait patiently. Until, one day, someone will come, with a gratitude, strive to get his dream home, and finally buy it and live forever with it. Another possibility, that person never come, but it still waiting, until it is decay, collapse, and destroyed. And it still thankful for what it has already experienced. At least, it become a history, become a part of universe, become a part of the effort.


For me, it is almost impossible to move to a new home. Even there are many leaks, brittle and not so big, but if I still can fix it with all I have, all my effort, then it always still my only home, which always give me a comfort place to rest. I will always faithful with my home, until it is death, or dissapear.


Have a nice day, guys, have a really great one! ^_^

 Love,
nurieen

- Allah Telah Mengambil Kembali Orang Terbaiknya -

Semalam, salah satu wanita terbaikku, telah pergi.

Wa Nani, tanteku yang melankolis sempurna, diimbangi dengan phlegmatis yang kuat. Dia adalah wanita yang paling tabah dan sabar yang pernah aku kenal. Seumur hidupku, aku tidak pernah melihat dia marah.

Waktu kecil, dia senang sekali melihatku datang, karna dia ingin sekali punya anak perempuan. Aku selalu spesial untuknya. Spesial dari sepupu2ku yang lain. Ketika aku main dan nginap di rumahnya, dia sangat posesif. Aku dimandikan, dikasih makan bahkan tidur di kamarnya. Sementara sepupu yang lainnya tidur di kamar lain.

Tanteku yang sering aku tertawai oleh mamahku, karena dia sangat perfeksionis. Dia keras pada dirinya sendiri, tapi bertoleransi tinggi pada orang lain. Sebaliknya, baginya aku sangat lucu. Dia sering menertawaiku bagaimana caranya aku bertahan hanya mandi satu hari sekali, tidur lelap tanpa seprai, bahkan makan jajanan kotor di pinggir jalan dengan lahapnya.

Hidupnya sederhana, dan selalu memikirkan orang lain. Baginya, kebahagiaan orang lebih penting dari kemewahan. Nasehat semasa dia hidup, nasehat terakhir yang dia berikan padaku, ketika aku sangat depresi, "Kamu cantik, pintar, dan kuat. Semua orang sayang sama kamu. Jaga mamah, yah?"Aku akan selalu ingat itu.

Tadi pagi, untuk terakhir kali aku melihatnya. Ekspresi yang sangat ku kenal, tenang dan bahagia.  Aku menciumnya, membisikannya, "Aku akan jaga mamah."

Allah telah mengambil kembali orang terbaiknya.

Belakangan ini, perasaanku sangat tidak menentu, sedih sekali, sedih berkepanjangan, tanpa alasan yang jelas. Aku menyesal telah melampiaskannya kepada orang-orang terdekatku. Ini bukan aku.

Sampai sekarang, rasa sedih aneh itu masih ada. Tapi, mulai saat ini, aku berjanji, akan menumpahkan habis kesedihanku di tengah malam, di saat aku hanya seorang diri dengan Allah. Sehingga besok paginya, aku punya batrai yang cukup untuk memberikan energi positif kepada setiap orang.

Arti namaku adalah cahaya manusia, dan juga cahaya dari semua cahaya yang ada. Sudah saatnya kembali pada fitrahnya.

Selamat jalan Wa Nani, tanteku yang sangat baik. Doakanku di sini agar tetap sadar, agar menjadi orang yang baik sepertimu. Aku sayang Wa Nani.


Love,
nurieen