"Accepting myself"

well, sometimes, I ask myself, who am I? what I have done in my life? am I usefull to this world? and sometimes I thought I'm nothing...

But when I think about that lately, I really feel ashame to have that thought when I know Billy and Mattie almost all my life...

I, maybe don't have any special gift, I just can play piano a little, some computer abillity, and random things that I can do..

maybe I don't have a true friend, at least close friend, I don't know why, it just something wrong with me, it's always because of me and who I am.

some of my friends often told me, " nurieen, you're genius! and genius people is weird, like you!". First time I heard it, oh, come on, you know me and my brain, I mean, if I' m genius like you said, why I can't graduate with high GPA? ok, it can change, but surely that I can't graduate with cumlaude!
but when I think it over, it's kinda true. since I was little, I can fixed anything that broken without any knowlege, I can learn many programs without any tutorial, I can play keyboard, piano, guitar, bass, suprisingly, I can played drum well at the first time I played it. And I just realize, sometimes, when I'm alone, I'm dreaming amazing things but danger and knowing how to make it. one time I did that and it works but cause much trouble.It scared me, but I'm smart enough to choose the right and wrong.

About the weirdo things, yeah, I know that's true.I have told you in this blog before, I dunno, I just like have my own world, and scared to share it with others, even my mom. Maybe that's why I can't have a close friends.

But, who cares about I have a true friends or not, who cares about I'm genius or not, I just care that now, I accepting myself. someone that love her familly and friends, who never want to see other people sad and suffering, always want to see hope and peace in this world, and always trying the best that she could to make a better world.

I have lost my brother, and I don't want to loose anyone else in my life, I don't want to feel that regretfull again....

I accept that, even I have Nothing, but I can give Something to others.

luve ya,
nurieen
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If they would find a cure when I'm a kid
I could ride a bike and sail on rollerblades, and
I could go on really long nature hikes

If they would find a cure when I'm a teenager
I could earn my license and drive a car, and
I could dance every dance at my senior prom

If they would find a cure when
I'm a young adult
I could travel around the world and teach peace, and
I could marry and have children of my own

I could... if they would
I could... if they would

If they would find a cure when
I'm grown old
I could visit exotic places and appreciate culture
And proudly share pictures of my grandchildren

If they would find a cure when
I'm alive
I could live each day without pain and machines, and
I could celebrate the biggest thank you of life ever

I could... if they would
I could... if they would

If they would find a cure when
I'm buried into heaven
I could still celebrate with my brothers and sister there, and
I could still be happy knowing that I, knowing that I, "was a part of the effort"

-by Mattie J.T. Stepanek( miss u alot)-